My First Letter To You

 My Dearest Zoe,

This is our first photo of just you and me together. From my calculations it took 598 days from the moment you were born for this to happen. Those days were days I watched you and your momma via FaceTime and photos sent via texts and email. I was not able to touch you, be the grandmother I wanted to be with you and I had to wait. The waiting seemed eternal at times. There were moments that the pain and loss of not being able to be with you felt like a cruel gesture of absurdity ripping at my heart. I was supposed to be there the day you were born. 

I was planning a trip in August 2020 to Australia to arrive in time before your birth and to greet you when you were born in the most miraculous way via "unicorn". But what we will now remember as the Covid 19 pandemic era prevented me from being there. It was an obstacle I never thought I would have ever had to meet. I could think of many other possible obstacles that might have appeared but for so many of us, a pandemic was not one. This Covid 19 era will preface so many stories that are full of loss and heartbreak. Ours is not the only one. But now, we are together at long last. In my suitcase I brought you a mermaid ballerina fairy dress to dance in. Today, you put it on, we danced! We will dance together now into our future times as grandmother Bubbles and granddaughter Zoe having held and kissed and been together, finally!

There are so many stories that I want to tell you. I will try to tell them as they come into my mind with as much recollection as I can conjure. What these stories will show you is that you are here as a true miracle Zoe, a gift of love and spirit beyond all imaginings. This story, your story started when your mother was born over 40 years ago. She was our first child, our first daughter born in the summer of 1981, our precious baby who was to take us on a journey that has surprised and inspired us at every challenging and magical turn of her remarkable life, including the birth of beautiful you. 

This story needs to be told Zoe even though you are just a toddler and can not understand it now.  I will write letters to you for you to read and understand as you grow older. I know you must be an old soul, a wise one, a very magical person because you came as a result of your mother overcoming insurmountable odds in magical and miraculous ways. Life can be like that Zoe. It can present tremendous challenges interlaced with amazing beauty and incredible courage. Your mom is proof of that.

Your mother was born with a genetic disease called cystic fibrosis (CF) and yet she was not diagnosed until she was 18 months old and very ill with a pneumonia that almost took her life. A doctor came to our house after I called with worry and distress on a January day so many years ago, and drove us to the hospital. Very quickly it was clear that she was dangerously ill and was placed on a ventilator where she remained for 5 weeks. During that time she was diagnosed with CF and your grandfather and I learned that her disease was going to shorten her life and it was going to be a difficult challenge to be her parents and care for her. When we first heard this news we were sad and devastated. I remember that time vividly. I also remember realizing with a heavy and sad heart that this  meant the end to so many dreams and normal expectations for our lives including the realization that we would never have grandchildren. Our lives would be shaped by this disease and how long your mother would survive with this severe illness. It was then that our journey began with your amazing mom. It was filled with difficult and serious challenges, magical moments and amazing experiences eventually leading us to witness the miracle that is you.

And after it all, and missing you for nearly 2 years (598 days), it was today that we did that mermaid fairy dance together in the land of OZ.....I have to say once again that is a miracle.......and I will never forget it!

Love, Bubbles

P.S. There are more letters to come........