Our Moon Connects Us Forever

Under our full moon together!

 My Dearest Zoe,

It is hard to imagine that it was so so long, over two years. since I was able to be with your mom. But the time and physical distance was really more than that as it was 5 years ago that she married your dad and moved to Australia. In that past 5 years Chief and I visited three times, once for the wedding and staying for our "Familymoon" rather than their "Honeymoon". This was when we got to know your daddy. Another time we came at Xmas time and traveled together to Tassmania. The third time Chief and I each came separately just before the Covid pandemic that shut down all travel to Australia. But before that your mom and dad came back to America for the Transplant Games and to visit your Auntie Sara and Uncle Ian in Maine. One other time they came to America and had to stay only two days as your mom had a health crisis that immediately sent them back on a plane and her right into the hospital. She had so much grit to be so sick and yet so determined to get home even though that plane ride is loooonnnnggg. That was a trip to forget for sure but a trip home to America to remember was the one when we met your parents at the 2018 Transplant Games.

Anna and Terry 2018 Transplant Games

Dancing!

Your mom and dad met for the first time at the 2016 Transplant Games of America and returned to the Games two years later married and competing in the dancing competition. Now, nothing could be as romantic as that story Zoe! What a touching sight it was to see your mom and dad dressed in dancing clothes and sharing their moves with us and their transplant community. They took ballroom dancing classes right after they were married and practiced and prepared for this time on the dance floor. What a wonderful thing to do as newly weds. To learn to dance together, to follow the steps and the leads and the twirls and the attitudes of each unique dance they performed was a brilliant introduction to the beginning of married life. That demonstrated to us a commitment and love that was real and true and destined to be happy. 

The day they found each other was a destiny that had to be fullfilled as it meant that you were to come later into the world. That fateful day was a magic one in so many ways. Following your mom's lung transplant she pursued competition in the Transplant Games on the same path as other dear transplanted friends. Her sport was swimming. She dove into the pool and that sport with the same determination that she had in everything she did. She was determined to gain strength and health through swimming and becoming an athlete. And she did! I will tell you more about her swimming in another letter that led up to this day when she found your father but on this day of magic she won the entire competition for the women of the Games. She was honored as the champion! This was an unbelievable accomplishment and filled with so much joy. After the award ceremony while gathering with other competitors and friends and the Aussie contingent to celebrate, it happened. They met and I heard they talked and talked and talked and then......it was meant to be.

Life changed for your mom when she met your dad. She had met so many challenges with her health and transplant and then recovery and athletic competition and now she had to look at even more challenges of falling in love with a wonderful man who lived on the other side of the world. Deep thought and concern went into what this meant for her and our family.  It was clear to her that her heart ruled. It all made sense in one way and no sense in another. She would have to give up her medical care in the US and leave the world she knew, her friends, community and family and move to Australia, a place that existed in an opposite season, on a different day but under the same moon. It turned out that Melbourne, where you live, actually has similar weather and California has so many Aussie like eucalyptus trees it could feel like home. She discovered the medical care for her transplant would be excellent and she decided that airplanes would be a frequent form of transportation to reunite her with all of us. 

Distant view of Melbourne at sunset.

The distance and span of time separating us from each other was far greater than we all thought it would be. Life throws us curve balls as they say, like pandemics. But we are together now under that same full moon. Your mom has grown to be such a fantastic mother. Your dad is a fantastic dad. They learned their dance steps well. The challenges of the last two plus years gave them time to find a flow of parenting that is loving, supportive and inspiring. You have been gifted with two wonderful parents  and they have been blessed with you. It all came from the amazing and magical day when your mom won that entire competition and found her love. Because of that fateful day where all of the stars aligned you are a part of our family joining your cousin Freyja and the new little girl cousin to come soon. So glad I am here to be with you finally and be in this home that your mom and dad have made for you that is so full of love and is a fantastical dance on the most amazing dance floor. And Chief and I must always remember that when we are not with you and your mom and dad we are still under the same moon.

Zoe with Mommy and Daddy

Our Moon Forever

 

Love, Your Bubbles

4 Weeks Here and Magic Blue Budgies

Zoe and Bubbles at sunset in Australia.

 My Dearest Zoe, 

It has been 4 weeks now since we arrived in Australia to finally meet you. I intended to write to you more frequently but we all were caught up in the whirlwind of being together after such a long time. We focused on the healing of our hearts that were hurting from the absence of each other. I think we were doing grief work that was deep and loving. We all feel so fortunate that we are finally at this point where we can begin again with this life of seeing each other across the globe much more frequently.

While here a lot has happened. Your mom's suffering due to a precancerous lesion in her thumb has become clean of bad cells and is healing. That is a worry off our minds. She had Covid before we arrived and also suffered due to her being immune compromised of getting rid of the virus. It is gone now. So healing has happened on many fronts. 

Things have changed in our dynamics of being together and the biggest part of the change is you are in our lives too. As days moved on in the first week of being here I could see your mom in you. She was a little blonde toddler with the beginning of curls just like you. I have been impressed with your sense of self and the ease at which you are in the world. Like your cousin, Freyja you have welcomed us into your life with warmth and smiles and that tiny hand that reaches for ours so you can guide us to the play place. Freyja is just ahead of you in age so I see the stages she went through just a few months ago in you now. Your words are forming, your stance is steadier, your play is more imaginative. You are becoming you.

I am so loving the loving that your mom is heaping upon us. We can still snuggle on the couch in a blanket holding each other and enjoying our chats even in our "old" age. We have had so many of these times as our relationship was shaped and formed with so much challenge we had to face for so many years. I wanted to write these letters to you as a way to tell you more about your mom. I know you will learn about these qualities as you grow up in her care. You will see how smart and determined she is. Not only that, you will find that her understanding of life, its challenges and its magic are profound and have been why she is still here and why you are here too.

The day your mom was born and we came home from the hospital in time for dinner I noticed a white cosmos had bloomed in my garden. It is in my mind to this day, that beautiful flower. It touched me and let me know all was good and magic was happening. In my young mind I too was a seeker and a believer in cosmic signs and inner guidance. Maybe my beliefs rubbed off on her and her sister too as their mother. And perhaps you too will learn the world is magic from your mom. I hope so.

I can not remember all of the coincidences and serendipity that came to us over the years, but I do remember some of them. And, one of the most important healers and magical people in our lives still has had an influence all the way in Australia. It is Lama Gangha.

After your mom nearly died as an 18 month old, slightly younger than you are now, and she was in recovery from her illness we were invited to meet a special Tibetan teacher and wonderful man, Lama Gangha. He was living near by. I took her a few times per week for healing pujas with him. These were Tibetan rituals, prayers, the laying on of hands and blessed herbs to heal her body and cleanse the negativity from her. The herbs were small morsels of roasted herbs that we called Lama Gangha nummy numms. She loved them and loved being in his presence receiving his healing. Gradually she grew stronger until he said there was no more need for these special pujas. My life changed with Lamala and I took refuge with him and studied with him.

Lama Gangha was in our life for about 5 years and passed away during a trip back to Tibet. It was so right that he should pass there in his homeland with other lamas caring for his transition. He passed just before your Aunt Sara was born. He had given me guidance and healing for that pregnancy and her birth as well. She was blessed by Lama Gangha too. The coincidences of Lama Gangha played out in many ways but one that was very significant was he had the same birthday as your mom and was born exactly 50 years before her. They shared the same birthday! I thought that was remarkable.

Sometimes he went on trips to other meditation centers and would come back with gifts for his students. There was one of these gifts that I kept forever. It was a little coin purse with blue budgie parakeets on it. I let your mom play with it but always kept it safe. It was a little over two years ago before the pandemic hit that I had to take that little gift out once again to give to your mom. It was a sign that Lama Gangha had visited or influenced or created some magic many years ahead for your mother that she desperately needed. It was at that time that she was very sick with an infection that was extremely worrisome to us. It was not clear that she would recover from it. One day in early January she was able to leave the hospital and go for a walk with your dad near the ocean and a magical thing happened. From that moment on she began to heal and recover. 

 While walking, a blue budgie flew from the trees to the top of her head and would not leave her. It was a wild bird that came to give her a message of hope. Right when this happened I got a text and call about the magic of the budgie while we were with friends in a circle sending healing prayers to her. The synchronicity of that moment was profound. Shortly after the budgie visitation I remembered the coin purse that was in my drawer. I knew that bird arrived because of Lama Gangha. His healing pujas were still at work. This is some of the magic that I want you to know about Zoe. It was seven and a half months later that you were born and she became your amazing mother. Lama Gangha was there for you too.

This life is filled with magical occurrences like this. You will experience them in your life too. It just takes you being aware and open and believing in them to recognize them. In honor of the blue budgie and Lama Gangha a blue budgie is on the door of your beach shack. That shack and that painting is a reminder of miracles and wonderfulness that is in this life. As your grandmother I am here to remind you of this while your mother teaches this to you too. May you be surrounded by people who love synchronicity and magic and coincidence and serendipity and blue budgies!

Love,  Bubbles

P.S. Your mom reminded me of something else and I need to add to this letter. When you were still just  "to be", your mom still had some Lama Gangha nummy numms and shared them with your unicorn surrogate mother, Michelle and your daddy too. His blessing was there to create the magic of you! And as was the story I shared of the birth of your mom and the single white cosmos blooming on your birthday, a protea opened announcing your birth! Nature is there to give us beauty and messages of hope.

Pinky

 

Meeting Pinky!

My Dearest Zoe,

I brought something special for you in my suitcase. We waited a few days until your mom felt it was the right time. Now you have met Pinky! Pinky was your mom's favorite doll that she got when she was 6 years old. Pinky was a reward for her swimming. 

After she came home from the hospital at 19 months old she grew stronger and stronger. We learned how to manage cystic fibrosis and developed new routines. At that time the way to get airway clearance was through a pulmonary therapy where we pounded on her chest sides and back. The treatment as we called it lasted for about 40 minutes and was performed at least twice a day with aerosols and sometimes we did treatments three and four times per day, making our lives very scheduled. She regularly woke up in the night coughing and I would get up to give a treatment and settle her back down well into her being 5 years old. 

One day when playing in a swimming pool she learned to go under water. It was so fun. She repeatedly dove under and it would make her cough, clearing her lungs. That night after her deep diving under she slept all night! Swimming appeared to make such a difference in her lung health. We joined a pool and put her on a swim team but it was still hard for her. It took a lot of effort for your mom as a little girl to swim laps and keep up with the other kids so I told her if she did there was a doll waiting for her. She chose her special doll and named her Pinky.

And now here you are with Pinky! Never in my wildest imagination did I think that I was saving her for you, my beautiful grand daughter.  And, within the next couple of years Anna would excel in swimming breaking and setting pool records. We discovered she was a force of strength, ability and magic! We were so proud of your mom. The summer your Auntie Sara was born your mom won a league championship for her age group. This was a miracle. Very few other people understood how incredible it was for a child who nearly died with CF then recovered and became a super athlete, but we knew!

Reflecting on your mom's life as a child and her love for this doll and the swimming pool and her gregarious fun personality I can remember so many moments of joy and surprise in who she was. Sometimes I would stop and think, "who is this child?" She was remarkable and I know you are too. I do see her in you. You have a kindness and a loving nature that is very Anna. Enjoy Pinky! I am sure Pinky will have a good life with you now in Australia. Remember she was a reward and gift for sticking to it and determination, qualities of your mom that have seen her through so many challenges.

Love,

Bubbles 

Magic

 

Zoe and Bubbles at Werribee Zoo

My Dearest Zoe,

What a beautiful day today. The sun is shining and it is what one might say is a perfect day. Yesterday it was a little cloudier and cooler and we went to visit the Werribee Zoo with your mom and dad and grandpa, Chief. The Zoo is very close by and now that your mom and dad have a year pass I bet you will be going often to see the cheetah, gorillas and many other animals. It is a wonderful zoo with the animals in very good environments. I remember visiting that zoo when I was here before you were born. We talked about it being a great place that one day your mom and dad will want to take you to. That was when you were still a thought! But with the magic of a unicorn, an animal never found in a zoo but one that is mythical, rare and precious, you were brought into the world. This magical story is part of the miracle that is you. Your mother could not carry you in her body so a special, beautiful and kind woman offered to carry you until you were ready to be in the world. This was an unbelievably generous gift for our family and considered as magical and rare as the unicorn known in fables. I love that you were carried with the sincere generosity of a woman who was already a loving mother dedicated to giving a gift so precious to your mom and dad that it was as if your birth was part of a great legend. We are grateful for her every day.

Zoe riding her unicorn...by Sheila White

 

And today we went to visit your totally cool beach shack not far from your home. An artist, Alex was there working on more magic. He was employed to paint birds on the front and inside doors of the shack. As we watched him paint with spray paint cans, his dog, Mango played with us near the water. You laughed and loved being with Mango. We marveled at the exquisite art that was being created. I could not help but feel what was being created was a reflection of the magic of your life. You see, when your mom was your age, 19 months old she was just released from the hospital. We did not know how long she would live or how much damage her lungs had endured. She had lost her ability to walk after being in ICU for such a long time but within a month or so she regained her strength. She also loved animals and later we did have dogs as pets. I am sure you will have one too. I am so grateful that you are healthy and strong and were playing near the shore today.

Anna and Alex

This contrast of you and your mom at your age is an example of how miraculous our moments together are. At so many points in time between your mom's diagnosis and your birth, a different story,  a different chapter of our life could have been written. But it was not. This is the magic of your mom's life and the tender thread of life that is so fragile and so very strong of spirit at the same time. Your mom faced many, many days of being ill, many days and weeks in the hospital, many days waiting for a life saving surgery with the gift of new lungs. Transplant is a miracle surgery. It can not be scheduled. Your mom had to prepare for the surgery, be accepted for it and wait as long as it would take to find the right set of lungs from a donor who would have lost their life at the same time that they would save another. That is a miraculous, magical and other worldly business.

There are a few stories that I will tell you over time about serendipity, when all the right pieces of a puzzle that were known and unknown came together for your mother. People who brought her healing, and the clear determination of your mom to survive and to get what ever it was that she needed to be happy. One such serendipity was her meeting your dad. He had come to the United States to participate in the Transplant Games and your mom happened to be there too. But remember that serendipity and those puzzle pieces that came together to create a story of love happened because life was perfect in all its ways, in the difficult and the good. It was because your mom had CF and then had a double lung transplant that she went to those games where your dad was and they fell in love. It was also because of your dad's challenges and having cornea transplants that he was there to meet your mom. The strange and perplexing thing is, if all those challenges for both of them had not happened things would be so different.  I would not be here loving you and telling you this story with out it all being perfectly the way it should be.

How can it be that through such difficult and painful trials miracles can happen? That is a mystery of life we can ponder. Your mom and I call it magic. We have seen a lot of it. But, I think you have to be willing to believe magic exists before you can see it, feel it and know it. It pops up when tragedy strikes and when all is well. You have to look for it and when you do Zoe the world begins to make a lot more sense. There is good and bad in our lives and sometimes we can not make sense of it because we feel so much pain, but if you believe in magic and serendipity and miraculous circumstances then you find hope and love and meaning in the craziness of it all. We will have to have many more talks about this as time passes.

Tomorrow we will go back to the beach shack to see what else Alex has painted. He said he will complete the project. I can not wait to see how beautiful it will be. You can play with his dog, Mango again and I am sure it will be another perfect day....

Love you,

Bubbles

My First Letter To You

 My Dearest Zoe,

This is our first photo of just you and me together. From my calculations it took 598 days from the moment you were born for this to happen. Those days were days I watched you and your momma via FaceTime and photos sent via texts and email. I was not able to touch you, be the grandmother I wanted to be with you and I had to wait. The waiting seemed eternal at times. There were moments that the pain and loss of not being able to be with you felt like a cruel gesture of absurdity ripping at my heart. I was supposed to be there the day you were born. 

I was planning a trip in August 2020 to Australia to arrive in time before your birth and to greet you when you were born in the most miraculous way via "unicorn". But what we will now remember as the Covid 19 pandemic era prevented me from being there. It was an obstacle I never thought I would have ever had to meet. I could think of many other possible obstacles that might have appeared but for so many of us, a pandemic was not one. This Covid 19 era will preface so many stories that are full of loss and heartbreak. Ours is not the only one. But now, we are together at long last. In my suitcase I brought you a mermaid ballerina fairy dress to dance in. Today, you put it on, we danced! We will dance together now into our future times as grandmother Bubbles and granddaughter Zoe having held and kissed and been together, finally!

There are so many stories that I want to tell you. I will try to tell them as they come into my mind with as much recollection as I can conjure. What these stories will show you is that you are here as a true miracle Zoe, a gift of love and spirit beyond all imaginings. This story, your story started when your mother was born over 40 years ago. She was our first child, our first daughter born in the summer of 1981, our precious baby who was to take us on a journey that has surprised and inspired us at every challenging and magical turn of her remarkable life, including the birth of beautiful you. 

This story needs to be told Zoe even though you are just a toddler and can not understand it now.  I will write letters to you for you to read and understand as you grow older. I know you must be an old soul, a wise one, a very magical person because you came as a result of your mother overcoming insurmountable odds in magical and miraculous ways. Life can be like that Zoe. It can present tremendous challenges interlaced with amazing beauty and incredible courage. Your mom is proof of that.

Your mother was born with a genetic disease called cystic fibrosis (CF) and yet she was not diagnosed until she was 18 months old and very ill with a pneumonia that almost took her life. A doctor came to our house after I called with worry and distress on a January day so many years ago, and drove us to the hospital. Very quickly it was clear that she was dangerously ill and was placed on a ventilator where she remained for 5 weeks. During that time she was diagnosed with CF and your grandfather and I learned that her disease was going to shorten her life and it was going to be a difficult challenge to be her parents and care for her. When we first heard this news we were sad and devastated. I remember that time vividly. I also remember realizing with a heavy and sad heart that this  meant the end to so many dreams and normal expectations for our lives including the realization that we would never have grandchildren. Our lives would be shaped by this disease and how long your mother would survive with this severe illness. It was then that our journey began with your amazing mom. It was filled with difficult and serious challenges, magical moments and amazing experiences eventually leading us to witness the miracle that is you.

And after it all, and missing you for nearly 2 years (598 days), it was today that we did that mermaid fairy dance together in the land of OZ.....I have to say once again that is a miracle.......and I will never forget it!

Love, Bubbles

P.S. There are more letters to come........